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Life is just beginning.

More and more, I find myself wondering how I got to this point in life. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve had a moment to sit down and reflect what’s been happening mostly because it’s been one spastic experience after another and only now, a few years later, do I actually have the time to write it all down. I don’t know why I felt the need except that I thought I should. Everyone should take a moment to look at where they’ve been to know where they’re going.

Best place to start is from the beginning. I quit my lousy-pay-nothing-at-the-time-job for something I’d never done before: vacuum sales. That’s right, I decided to try my hand at sales but not just any sales, Kirby sales. Probably the most expensive vacuum cleaners you’ve ever seen but worth the cost for the last one you’ll ever have to own. I mince no words, it was brutal. It was by far the most backbreaking bit of work I’ve ever done up til now. It was commission only so I got paid by how many sales I had in one week that didn’t cancel. I sold but only to people who apparently couldn’t afford them. I think the highest check I walked out with amounted to $110 the entire three months I was there.

It’s a definite gut check to anyone’s ego. Selling things over the phone is a hell of a lot different from walking into someone’s home and selling them a $2500 home care system. Most days I was working from 10am to midnight and most of the time, I was working 7 days a week. That wasn’t nearly as bad as when I came home to my folks who never let a day go by without informing me of their disapproval of my choice but I surprised myself. Maybe it was stubbornness that made me keep going, the need to prove I could succeed but I flat out told them I wasn’t going to quit.

It wasn’t until a conversation with my best friend did I decide to move on. I felt I wasn’t trying hard enough and he made me realize it was because this wasn’t my passion. So I let it go but I have never, nor will I ever forget everything I learned about hard work, determination, and the power of positive attitude. As corny as it sounds, the shit actually works. On the plus side, it’s only when you’re at the bottom do you find who your true friends are.

Everyone who didn’t support me told me how bad of a decision Kirby was for me but it opened up tons more of opportunities. The next few jobs I got paid well and only accepted me because I had “Kirby Salesman” on my resume. So no matter what anyone thinks or says, I will never regret my time as a “lowly vacuum salesman.” Bottom line, I did something that most people don’t even have the guts to try and I’m proud of that.

Anywho, after Kirby I went back to call center work at a horrible place with a shitty atmosphere but it seems even in the worst places, you can find the best of things. I met a girl there who will hopefully be a good friend for life. The pay was worst than anywhere else I’d worked, the people were atrocious to even sit next to at times, and she made the whole thing bearable. A few months later, she left to go back home to Detroit and there went my only reason to stay. So I moved on.

Got a new job working for a credit card company and finally starting pulling things together. I’d made the decision that I would suffer no more distractions and throw myself into my acting career. I planned to attend the Model & Talent Expo where anyone serious about getting into the business goes to get some major notice. I’d tried to go once before but the entry fee is about 2 grand and that’s NOT counting the travel and hotel room. To top that off, I still have a standing debt with the IRS I have to pay off or end up owing twice as much in interest. Only through the grace of god was I able to make it to this point. The new job earned me enough to start paying off my debt as well as put money towards the Expo.

Eventually the place I worked closed down but I didn’t stop learning more and more about what I can do to better myself. I made more friends, learned how not to be so shy around people, even solidified past friendships or at least I hope I did. Someone who did me wrong a while back gave me a call out of the blue. Last I’d heard he’d been diving head fist into drugs and alcohol. For a long time I blamed myself for not being a better friend and being able to help him through it.

I went to see him one day after the call. Perhaps it’s because of so many things going on in the past that I begin to get nervous when things go so well. It was another moment I had to settle from my past. I won’t go into detail but he had been through rehab but apparently diving back into his addictions. A guy who had done me wrong in so many ways, I found myself feeling a great swell of pity for. After talking to him, I realized he made all his own decisions to be where he was. At the end of it, I shook his hand, told him I honestly and truly hope he beats his own monsters, and that I never wanted to see him again.

The next job I moved on to was again, through the grace of god and is where I am currently but between them, I met someone special. I never believe in finding that certain someone through online dating sites but we really hit it off. He’s just as much a geek as I am and every bit as twisted, possibly more so. It’s still hard for me to truly open up to anyone but I’m working on it. I find myself overwhelmed by him sometimes, maybe because he’s a little older than me but I’d like to think I’m becoming a more open person just being around him.

One thing people should know about me is that I –am- a perv and proud of it. Thankfully so is he. If you’d have told me five years ago that not only would I be a social creature people like to hang around or a guy with an actual sex life, I’d have laughed in your face. The things I’ve done just in the past three months would probably fit well in the pages of Penthouse and I don’t regret any of it.

I feel like I’m still leaving so much out but maybe that’s for the best. Some things I only wish to share with those closest to me. What I’m planning on next is to get to the expo and finally pay off my debts. Both goals more in my reach than I’d ever thought possible before. After so may years of procrastination and desire, I’m at last getting started in the martial arts beginning with Yoshukai Karate. I’m more and more thankful every day for the things I’ve earned and for the things god has given me. It’s only when you go through great strife do you find great strength.

For a long time I believed that garbage about high school being the best years of your life. For a long time I though I’d wasted those years with petty grudges and looked back on them with regret, thinking about all the things I could have done but it’s just not true. High school years are important and help to mold the person you’re going to be but it feels like my life is truly just beginning. I’ve never felt more excited about the future ahead of me than I do now.

A good night by surprise

Well I just had an awesome evening and I didn't even expect it! I took my friend Joseph to get a job working with me today. He's been needing work for the past few months, longer than me as a matter of fact and it's been rough on him finding a job since he's going to college and currently has no transportation so I've been helping him out as best I can. Finally got him hired onto the same gig as me. It doesn't pay much but at the moment, it's better than nothing at all.

Anywho, me and my other friend Bran, have been hearing about the Alabama Symphony Orchestra getting Video Games Live to come to town. If you've never heard of this event, it's basically the local Symphony putting on a show of playing music from famous video games, old and new. I'd been wanting to go but figured I'd just have to wait until next year since I had no cash and no gas. Well after I took Joseph to put in an application, I decided to play hookie from work today. I figured I'd just head over Bran's a chill out for a little while before heading back home for an uneventful night but when I get there, Bran tells me he'll pay for the tickets! Not only that but Joseph is coming with us. We get there and the place is almost packed. To make a long story short, the concert was absolutely amazing! There was a costume contest in the beginning. The winners were three guys that decided to dress up as the three blips from Pong.

Unlike ordinary orchestra shows, they encouraged people to cheer and be loud, which they took full advantage of! They opened the show with music from Metal Gear Solid, Joseph's favorite, leading him to make the funniest comment of the night as he yelled out "I love you Snake! But I'm not gay!" Then they led into Legend of Zelda, Bran's favorite. Finally, they ended with One-Winged Angel from Final Fantasy 7, my personal favorite. Throughout the show, they had some audience participation with a particularly entertaining bit with a Guitar Hero contest winner performing on stage. All in all, it was a damn good evening! Never figured I'd get rewarded for being lazy and irresponsible. LoL But I'd do it again if I had the chance but this time I'd bring my own costume and actually compete! I almost feel something bad may happen later because tonight I am just feeling way too damn good!

I hate when plans go wrong

I, like the rest of the world, have seen The Dark Knight. Fantastic movie and I recommend it to everyone to see if they haven’t already. I like how they didn’t focus on the physical aspects of the characters but the psychological as well, especially Batman and the Joker. Heath Ledger has my vote for best portrayal of the clown prince even above Nicholson. One portion of his dialog comes to mind now.

“Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon's got plans. You know, they're schemers. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I'm not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know that I'm telling the truth. It's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and uh, look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that like a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all, part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair.”

…Okay, so it’s a rather big portion of his dialog but I like all the Joker’s lines so sue me. I s’pose what I’m trying to say is plans, no matter how well thought out, can fall apart at a moment’s notice.

I was wanting to go to the Burning Man festival this year. Bought my ticket, my tent, and most of my supplies but a change in employment (meaning not having any) cut the trip short. I was hoping to sell my ticket to someone who needed it and at least get my money back but alas, the even began this past Sunday and no one would hit me back. So, rather than let the ticket go to waste, I gave it away.

Someone, who apparently had no chance of getting a ticket for free even from the nicest of people, wanted to go but was out of luck when ticket sales were sold out so, he had no money and apparently needed a miracle. The ticket cost me $250 so I hated to just give it to someone for free but I’d rather someone enjoy themselves than have it go to waste. Besides, there’s always next year.

In the mean time, I guess I’ve got more important things to worry about like getting a new job. Or getting a job period. Seems like everything I shoot for is either not paying what I need to pay off some debts or a sales rep position only offering commissions only. I’ve come to hate the words “sales rep wanted” with a passion. All it means is they’re looking for people to work for free if they’re not that great at selling door to door. Seems like the gigs I really want don’t want me and the ones I’ve got no use for are the only ones that will have me.

Seems like everything is falling apart just when they were getting started. I finally signed up with a talent agency to kick-start my acting career and was taking classes. I learned much more than I could have on my own. They already tell me I have tons of potential to make something of myself in the industry but it’s all for nothing with no money. I need better headshots if I want to get anyone to notice me. That’s $180. There’s the Entertainment Expo that could help me get some real national exposure but admission alone is $2000 and that’s not even counting a plane ticket and hotel. This is my dream and it feels like its being taken away piece by piece because I don’t have the funds.

Another plan was to finally get my fat ass into shape. I’ve been gathering intel like crazy on exercise and nutrition. Building a better body is not easy but I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and doing nothing about it. I actually want to work my ass off and feel sore knowing I put forth some kind of effort to get better. Problem is getting healthy goes hand in hand with eating healthy and eating healthy is fucking expensive. Coupled with no job, I either eat what we have at home or I starve.

Still living with my folks, my mom and dad have no idea how to eat healthy. My dad’s blood pressure is so high, he’s been put on a diet by his doctor before he has a heart attack. Mom’s pressure is in stroke territory. They still haven’t improved their habits. I don’t want that to be me before I even hit 30. I’ve still got a thyroid problem I need to take care of. It’s like I’m getting run down before I even turn 25. Doing the exercises without the healthy diet isn’t productive but it’s a step in the right direction and I don’t want to feel like a lazy hump anymore.

Something has got to happen. Something has got to happen and it needs to happen now but I don’t know what I can do. It seems like the harder I fight to make it happen, the more it slips from my fingers and I don’t have a clue what to do.

A moment of weakness

Loyalty, bravery, justice, respect, honor, wisdom, honesty, devotion, peace, and love. The first seven are the seven virtues of the Samurai code. The last three are my own personal beliefs. Ever since I was a child, I respected and revered the samurai. They fought for honor and glory where others fought for money and power. They held to these seven virtues without fail or waver because it was an essential core set of beliefs that if ignored, rendered their lives meaningless. Last but not least, they valued their friends and allies like family. The true samurai never failed to defend them and honor them.

These ten words I wanted to have tattooed into my skin in Kanji because they symbolize a code. Nothing more, nothing less. A simple code by which men and women lived (and still live) their lives. Each one was important in its own way. Each was valued, respected, and followed without hesitation. By that code, the samurai could live and die without a single regret in their entire lives. To know they lived their lives by their own set of rules that, in seven virtues, discerned right from wrong and taught them a way to truly live where others only trudge on. But I betrayed that code.

I feel as though putting these Kanji on my skin would diminish and tarnish them. I’ve tried to live my life in the same respects but the more I try, the more I feel these men and women of the past must have been superhuman. People are always trying to figure themselves out. Always trying to determine who they are and what they believe. It’s a rare few that know who they really are and accept it. I’m still trying to figure myself out but I thought I had a fairly firm grasp over who I am. I try to live by the samurai code or, at the very least, behave with these virtues in mind but I surprised myself.

I won’t go into too much detail since I’ve already hurt someone enough because of my callousness but the point is I hurt someone. I did something petty and stupid and I sacrificed what could have been a good friendship because of it. Life can be a series of moments in time; moments that test our resolve and what we believe. I think a moment like that came for me and I failed. I gave in to bitterness and jealousy, masking it behind the façade of wanting to help them.

Later, I begged for their forgiveness. They gave it to me and said they didn’t hate me. That meant something to me even if they didn’t mean the words. I’ve always tried to be a good person, always despised people who hurt others for selfish and petty reasons. Then I turn around and become one of them in a single moment of weakness and I hate myself for it. Chances are I always will. I should. I deserve to. This person may never know or care how sorry I am or how I wish I could take it back but it’s the truth.

Maybe life is just a series of moments, a series of tests to give us a better understanding of the kind of people we are or the kind of people we can be. God, I hope so. I failed this time but maybe I’ll have another chance. Maybe next time I’ll be strong enough to make the right choice. I don’t want to become the kind of person I’ve come to despise. Bitter, angry, jealous of other’s success. Maybe this person has truly forgiven me but I may never forgive myself.

What do you want?

I'm not a poet by any means but this is one I wrote a few months ago.







What do you want?
To be a warrior
To fight
To know what it feels like to be alive
To fight for my friends
To fight for my family
To fight for my beliefs
To feel my lungs and muscles burn
To feel my body ache with pain
And to love it

What do you want?
To push myself beyond my limits
To feel what it's like not to HAVE limits
To not be afraid anymore
To live one day of my life the way a truly free man lives every day
To live instead of just dream
To dream instead of just sleep

What do you want?
To not feel so confused
To not feel so boxed in
To not feel like a caged animal
To not feel trapped
To not feel shame
To not feel

What do you want?
To be good at something
To feel like I'm worth a damn
Te realize my existence was not a mistake
To know exactly what my purpose is for
To find out I'm more
To truly believe I can be better
To BE better

What do you want?
For the world to be honest
For people to be genuine
For love to mean something again
For good to flourish and evil to suffer instead of the other way around
For everyone to get what they deserve
For the freedom to love who you want without restrictions
For minds and eyes to finally open

What do you want?
To not be a stereotype
To not be hated by my heritage
To let go of past hatred and build a better tomorrow
For life to be like a sitcom where everything always works out and friends and family alike laugh together in the end

What do you want?
I want my goddamn innocence back
I want to eat sugary cereal and watch cartoons
I want to feel excited on Christmas again
I want my smile back
I want to be a kid again

What do you want?
To feel special
To be more than just another face in the crowd
To be a wolf instead of a sheep
To gobble up grandma and little red riding hood and not feel the least bit sorry
To be predator instead of prey

What do you want?
To be strong
To FEEL strong
To feel like nothing could ever topple me
To be vain
To have a six pack
To have a sparkling smile
To be great in bed, in public, or wherever

What do you want?
To not have a conscience
To not have remorse
To not care so much
To not care at all

What do you want?
To speak several different languages
To travel
To be worldly
To fuck several different people in each continent and fuck several dozen more
To see every country for no other reason than I've never been there

What do you want?
To fly
To lift buildings
To crush steel with my bare hands
To make a real difference
To show the world what it should be
To show the world what it CAN be
To save you all

What do you want?
To heal pain
To ease suffering
To feed the hungry
To cure the sick
To house the homeless
To clothe the poor
To help you

What do you want?
Justice
To punish the guilty
To hold evil men accountable
To prevent evil deeds
To stop you

What do you want?
For people to love you for who you are instead of what they can get from you
For people to love
For old prejudices to die
For old hatreds to end
For old ways to clear a path for something new

What do you want?
Forgiveness
To not be a slave to my sins of the past
To believe in God
To believe he is ashamed of the crimes his children commit in his name
To believe he has a sense of humor
To believe he'™s a hippy who doesn'™t what we call him or how we believe, just so long as we have belief

What do you want?
Everything
Anything
To be loved
To be hated
To fight
To kill
To create
To destroy
To be a hero
To be a bastard
To be a child
To be a man
To dream
To wake up
To sin
To be forgiven
To be everything yet nothing at all
So the question remains...

What do you want?

New Job!

Well it looks like I'm going into the insurance business. I've been working for an ad company for the last year and a half now and, while it's probably been the best gig I've worked thus far, if you've read past entires you'd know it hasn't been the most easy or relaxing work in the world. I knew from my last performance I was on my way out so I'd been looking for a new job for the last two months or so and it looks like I found something working with Liberty National. Pay seems about the same but comes a lot more often.

I went through the interview process and got a call a week later saying I've got the job and asked to start on the 12th of May. Friday, I put in my two weeks notice but they said, since I've already got some marks against me, I should go ahead and go home but since I was courteous enough to give them a notice, they'll go ahead and pay me for the next two weeks. So I'm pretty much chilling out for the next two weeks until I start the new gig and I've never felt better! I still have to study and take a few tests to become a licensed insurance salesman but after that, it should make the transition a smooth one.

It's weird though, ever since I found out I was moving to a new profession as it were, I've been more relaxed than I have been in the last eight months. My inspiration for my passions have been coming back in spades. I've been RPing a lot more, I'm getting back into movie making, and I finally have the want to start writing my fan fiction stories again. I feel great! Still, I'm trying not to get too up high since bad things have a way of cropping up when you least suspect or want them to.

I'm going to do my best not to become a lazy hump around the house though. I'm going to do things I've been too busy working to do. I'm looking up Japanese Kanji symbols I want for my tattoo and I just bought the camp tent yesterday that I'll need for the Burning Man festival in August. I'm also going to look for those martial arts schools I've been wanting to visit. Finally, I was also planning to look into getting a personal trainer and music lessons. Man this feels like a long overdue vacation! I know it's only two weeks and I couldn't possibly fit all that into fourteen days AND study for my insurance license but I'm damn sure going to try.

Omegacon

Me and Brandon took a trip to the first ever Sci-Fi con here in our own hometown and we weren't disappointed. It was our first con and even Brandon, who happens to be a tad antisocial, was ecstatic there was finally one to make it here in the south. Lots of great costumes from the moment we walked in. And of course, I got photos.

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We went on Saturday. I would have gone Friday but I've been busting my hump to meet my quotas at work and I was freakin' exhausted. Still, we had a great time and there were plenty of awesome costumes and great people to be around. I was sad I didn't dress up in my Blade costume when I had the chance and show off a little but we were lucky to have a con here and I'm not about to complain. After that, we headed down to the comic shop and bullshit around with some of the guys there. All in all, a damn good night. Here's hoping next year will be even better. ^_^

Life Goes On

Well this entry is a little lighter than my last. Needless to say I survived the holiday season to rant and rave another day. I made my own New Year’s resolution that, for once, I intend to keep. To stop berating my self so much and actually make an effort to keep my life out of the state of fuck up-ed ness it’s been in for the last few months. Maybe it really was the holidays making me depressed because when New Year’s was over and we were on our way into January, I began to feel better, or maybe just determined.

I began working harder, making more of an effort to get things done while trying not to be so damn lazy. It seemed to work. Not only was I feeling better but it felt like the weather was finally beginning to change into something more habitable. Just a note: I enjoy the cold. Even though it may make me sick from time to time, the winter weather is mounds better than the record breaking heat the south is so famous for. Then, a few days ago, the weatherman predicted snow for the first time in years. I, of course, said it would never happen. Snow in Alabama has been a rare thing as long as I’ve lived here and I could have bet money it would never happen but low and behold, come Saturday morning, the white stuff is falling. Not only that but it sticks for most of the morning.

I’m in a state of shock. People who get snow on a regular basis may think I’m overreacting but when I say it’s been years since our last snowfall, I mean it. So when it happens, it truly is a special event. My two little cousins were just thrilled. The last time it snowed was back when they were infants. Playing with them, throwing what little clumps of snow we could find at one another honestly made me feel like a kid again. My first thought was literally ‘holy shit, it’s snowing!’ My next thought was ‘I gotta get pictures!’ Which I did. ^_^

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I have to admit I was pretty happy. Anywho, if you bothered to read any earlier entries in this blog, you’d know that last year, I looked to break the tedium by planning a trip to the Burning Man festival last year. Unfortunately, I found out about it like three months before it was going to happen and lacked the adequate funds and planning time so I had to skip it. However, I decided to actually go through with it this year. I bought my ticket today and am already looking for folks to carpool with. Fuck all with what others think, I’m going! And I’m so excited! It’s still seven months away and I figure worst case scenario is I can’t make it and just decide to sell my ticket to someone else. Still, I’ve researched this pretty thoroughly and even the numerous downsides have yet to deter me.

On another high note, I saw Cloverfield on its opening night and I’m happy to say it exceeded my expectations. It was like the Blair Witch with the camera work only it didn’t suck fat hairy donkey balls. The CGI was amazing, the creature was actually scary and the ending was much more than a typical Hollywood movie ending (which is likely why so many others left the theater pissed) so kudos to J.J. Abrams and here’s hoping the sequel is even better.

However, on the note of movies I’m sorry to say my best friend told me news that hit me like a ton of bricks today. The death of Heath Ledger. My night was legitimately saddened when hearing that this young man with so much talent had died literally in the prime of his life. It certainly wasn’t one of those deaths you see coming a mile away and it’s going to be a somber time going to see The Dark Knight since it was likely his last role to play on this earth.

I expressed my sadness about this event to a few online friends. Some of them responded the same way, some deflected with humor, and then some were just being disrespectful. Making jokes to cope is fine. Hell, I’m used to it but making remarks like ‘he’s just an actor and now that he’s dead, two more will pop up in his place’ or ‘so what? It’s not like he cured cancer or something’ it makes me want to throttle them until I feel their pulse slow to a stop beneath my fingers. Seriously. No fucking joke.

It’s long since become a fact to me that humanity simply has no other hobby in life more observed than reveling in other people’s pain. It’s not me being emo, it’s just a fact of life. More than seeing someone become successful is seeing them fall. It’s the human condition to enjoy the suffering of others. Perhaps it’s just our nature but I’d like to think we’re above such a thing, (most of us anyway) and yet I find myself appalled with the very people I talk to everyday.

I mean it’s not as though I said my life was over without Heath Ledger but there’s a big difference between having a deep emotional impact and simply being sad a decent human being is dead. I’ve been angry about stupid things before but I can let them go. This however is a major pet peeve of mine. It’s why I hate to watch TV after someone has died because of the simple fact it’s always like blood in the water. Call me crazy but I’ve always felt a decorum of respect is needed after someone dies. Maybe it was the way I was raised, maybe my mom just taught me better but even if I hate someone’s guts, when they’re dead, I feel you can quick with the snide remarks. The only thing that would warrant me doing anything that despicable were if this person had either tried to kill me or tried to harm my loved ones.

What the fuck is wrong with people today? Even if you didn’t know the man personally, is that any reason to just flat out bash someone before the hole for their grave is even dug is cowardly and disrespectful. My own so called friends had me fuming enough to punch a hole in my wall. Luckily my best friend Bran, called me back and told me something important. Brandon is much more of a cynic than I am and has long since lost any faith whatsoever in humanity so none of their comments surprise him. Said it reminded him of when Aliyah died.

Aliyah, for those that care, was a singer who died at the far-too-young age of 22 in a plane crash. For those that met her, they say she was truly a kind person, melting the hearts of even the hardest human beings. DMX, a hardcore rapper known for his dark, harsh music and depressing material, was even known to say she had an aura about her that said she could be an angel on earth. When she died, her family performed a grand funeral involving white horses, a chariot, doves being released, the whole nine yards, sending off their child with something to be remembered.

What angered Bran so much was seeing an article in some magazine that basically boiled down to someone saying ‘what was the point, it’s not like she was Princess Diana.’ The way I see it, no matter who the person was, that was someone’s baby. She was a girl who would never get to kiss her mother again, a daughter who would never hug her father again, a friend who would never be able to laugh with other friends again. Heath, celebrity or not, was a human being who’s child now has no father, who’s parents will shed countless tears over, who’s friends will mourn, who’s fans will miss.

My point is it doesn’t matter if you didn’t know them personally, doesn’t even matter if you didn’t like them. If nothing else but out of what little respect you can muster, keep your fucking mouth shut and let people be sad. What Brandon said to me is something I need to remember. People who can’t even give that much are lower than dirt and don’t even deserve my anger. When a cockroach crawls on your shoe, you brush it off and keep on walking because what’s the point? People like this likely don’t respect anything at all so why should anything they say ever matter? Good question.

Holiday Blues

Reader Beware- you’re in for a long entry

I think this entry can be summed up in the title. Most people get cheerful and jolly around the holidays as well they should be. I, like every other kid, always loved it when the end of the year rolled around and time off from school was near. It was always something to look forward to. Three days off for Thanksgiving and two weeks off for Christmas. I suppose, like every other kid, I really only like the holidays because of the time off and the presents but now that I really think, it goes a little deeper than that. Some of my most fond memories I can remember are on these two holidays ever since I was growing up.

The exact year escapes me now but I remember one fond Christmas, mom took me shopping and just said to get whatever I want and not just one gift either. We went around the toy store for what had to be at least an hour and I just put tons of toys in the basket. I kept thinking mom was going to stop me and tell me I had to put some stuff back but she never did. Kid in a candy store if I ever was one. It got to the point I was just grabbing stuff off the shelves I hadn’t even seen before. It was a fun time.

Another year, way back when it actually used to snow in Alabama, my dad and me went outside and played all morning. I’ve never had all that great a relationship with my father growing up so any truly happy moments we had together, I try to keep with me. Things have gotten better between us I think since but no one wants to lose the special moments they had with their family. It makes me laugh when I think of how I got him right in the jaw with a snowball so he turned around, scooped up a ton of the stuff in his arms, and just tossed it on me. I felt so cold my cheeks went numb. Needless to say he won the battle.

Another time I remember Mom finally broke the earth-shattering news that Santa wasn’t real. The blow wasn’t as bad for me as it would be for some. Kids at school, along with my best friend Bran, managed to convince me of that fact. I didn’t cry or get sad. As a matter of fact, it made me grateful to my folks for getting me such great gifts even when they hardly had any money. Hell, there was one year I remember sleeping in the middle of the floor to try and catch the fat man sneaking in through the chimney since my parents always brought the gifts to my room so I’d see the jolly one when I woke up. Mom got me a bike one year but I could never quite learn how to ride it. God bless them.

I’m trying to reminisce about better times since they seem to have taken a hiatus for the past few years. For the last three, the Christmas cheer that used to forever annoy the hell out of my best friend, has eluded me. Last year, I tried to force it by getting more lights for the house, putting up a tree even though I didn’t want to, and going to mall constantly despite how packed it and the roads were since that was one of my favorite things to do around the holidays. Still, it felt like… nothing. Nothing at all how it used to be. Some would just say I’ve grown up. That since I’m not a kid anymore, I don’t get the same feeling as before but I fear it’s much worse.

I don’t quite know where to begin with this year. It seems like time is flying by so much faster than is used to. As if the days are mere moments to happen in the blink of an eye. For all intents and purposes, I should be happy. I’ve got a good job where the people and bosses are nicer along with co-workers, I’m making good money, and I’ve got more than I’ve had any other year. I should be happy right? I should be grateful for everything I’ve gotten… but I’m not happy and worse, I don’t know why.

As a matter of fact, it feels like all this year, I’ve been fighting off a deep depression. I can’t explain it. Only that these last three months haven’t helped in the least and the fact that it’s Christmas only seems to make things worse. For the third time this year, I’ve been sick with the flu. I took a ton of meds to try and keep myself at work but they only either made me so drowsy I fell asleep at my desk or did nothing at all. Because I’ve been sick, I haven’t been able to meet my quotas at work and my boss has been coming down on me for it, though not as much as I’ve been coming down on myself.

The bills on my parents home seem to keep going up and there’s never enough I can do to alleviate the burden. My mother has MS so sometimes she has muscle spasms in the middle of the night. These past months, they’ve been especially bad. So bad she feels she might never get up again. I don’t know what medicine she’s been given but it hardly seems to work. My friends have been trying to get into college and begin the careers they always wanted. While I’m happy for them and always will be if they succeed, it feels like I’m being left behind. I want to get into the movie business. I want to be an actor and get on the big screen but I don’t have the slightest idea how or if I can even make it.

I feel ugly every time I look in the mirror. “No one will ever put your face in front of a camera unless it’s for a laugh” I hear in my head. I know self-doubt is a reasonable part of striving for anything but it lies more so in me than those strong enough to get what they want. At 23, I’m still living with my folks and I feel like the biggest loser because of it. It’s not that I haven’t tried to look for apartments. It’s that because of everything that’s happened this year, my work suffers and I might be fired after the New Year comes and have to move right back in with them. Don’t ever get me wrong, I love my parents but every bird has to leave the nest and I just feel trapped.

A few weeks ago, as I was heading to work one morning, another car ran me off the road. I crashed into the side barrier so hard, it completely blew out my driver side window. I didn’t have any major injuries, just a few scratches and a pain in my back so bad I couldn’t lie down to sleep without being in pain but I was sad it had to happen in December. Although I had to be thankful the new computer I bought for my mom wasn’t in the trunk at the time. The car that ran me off didn’t stop (of course) and as it turns out, my insurance coverage was only for collision. Hindsight’s always 20/20. I opted not to get any benefits from my workplace and had no insurance to go to the doctor so I was effectively fucked.

The drive home felt like the longest in my life that day and when I finally got there, I took one of my moms cigarettes. This may not sound like anything big to most but the people that know me know how much I hate smoking and how long I’ve tried to get my mom to quit. It’s amazing how life can get to a man. Just when you think you’ve hit your lowest point, life can show you a whole new meaning of rock bottom. And I STILL have some ways to fall.

After a rant like that, I’m bound to have explained everything right? Well lets top it all off with the fact that despite my four friends, who I know will always be there for me, I still feel alone. A co-worker one year probably summed up my newfound hatred of the holidays, saying something to the effect of ‘this is the best time of year when people are always getting together. When couples already together, love each other a little more’

I. Hate. Love. Again, anyone that knows me knows that I used to be an eternal optimist. Key words- used to be. Love is painful. Love is hurtful. Love is harmful. While I think more people would be better off with more love in their hearts, I’m beginning to think I was simply better off without it. I could do without love. I think I’d much rather replace it with lust. Seriously, where is the benefit because I can’t see it anymore. Another of my good friends loves to boast about how many girls he’s been with, how many freaky nights he’s had and that he’s beginning to settle down now and I envy him. I’m downright jealous of him.

People always say nice guys finish last. I’ve always been one to say no to that but I find it’s another fact of life I have to concede to. I’m bitter. I’m bitter over all the things I never got to do or may never get to do. I’m 23 years old and it feels like I’ve turned 40. It’s natural to have a past filled with regret but I’m tired of moping about the things I can’t change. I don’t want to be the nice guy anymore. I don’t want to be the good guy anymore. I don’t want to have a conscience anymore. I don’t want to care anymore, but these are all just words on a screen because I know for a fact I still will tomorrow. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shake being a good person… and I hate it.

I made this entry not to garner sympathy or fish for compliments, but in hopes that putting this all down will do something, anything to help alleviate all these feelings of depression. I’ve been so fed up I can’t decide if I want to scream my lungs out or curl up in the fetal position and cry. I’ve been a complete zombie at work and at home. The only reason any Christmas lights are up at all are because my Grandmother convinced us to put them up. In every person’s life, they feel like their cursed. They feel as though life has decided to pick on them this time. I know that feeling now. If I walked outside into a clear and sunny day, I wouldn’t be surprised if a bolt of lightning struck me. There’s so much I want to do and it feels like all of it will be completely out of my reach. Can’t stop though. Still, I just want this year to be over because this has officially been the worse holiday season of my life.

Shit rolls downhill

You ever have one of those days/ weeks/ months where nothing seems to go right? Well it feels like I've been having those times quite often. Recently, our heat went out. We thought it was something simple to fix like lighting the pilot light but apparently our heater has completely died and needs to be replaced. It just so happens it dies on the first day of a three day raining spree and the temperature drops way down. Not such a big loss for me since I don't mind the cold. In fact, compared to the 108 degree summers, I rather prefer it but my parents hate the cold, especially my mom since she thinks it affects her MS. So, from Thursday to Sunday, we're without heat. Not a problem. In fact it's the most comfortable I've been around the house since before summer began. The folks get some space heaters and warm up. No biggie.

Well, turns out the heater is the least of our problems. Earlier today, around lunch time, I get s frantic call from my Grandma who's riding with my Mom to the house. They're saying they got a call from the alarm people who've wired our house. The alarm went off and a cop had to be sent out. I'm thinking it may be a false alarm since it happens from time to time but I go home anyway. I come home to find our back door has been kicked in. Not a false alarm. From what we could gather (we meaning my parents and I) there were at least two of them. They came in through the back, stole one of our TVs out of the kitchen, took my mom's jewelery, and stole two of my dad's pistols along with one shotgun. Mom is freaked, me and dad get there just glad she's okay, and all of us are pissed it even happened.

Now to top it all off, we need a brand new door since we currently have a hole in ours but this news is only marginally upsetting in comparison to the response time of the cops. Sure, a cop car arrives when the alarm sounds and leaves as soon as he sees no one's dead. Tells my frightened mother that he'll be sending some inspectors by to collect any kind of evidence and whatnot. Well, four hours later, no other cops show up so I decide to call them. Give them my address and tell them what happened, they say they'll send someone by. Another two hours later, no one shows. By this time, my folks have pretty much resigned themselves to the fact that the police won't show up until tomorrow (if at all) and just want to clean up the mess the bastards left behind. It seems strangely ironic the family has been thinking about moving. Seems like our neighborhood's little "fuck off" message before we leave.

Now more than ever, I want to leave this place. I understand this could happen to anyone anywhere but I hate it here. I need to talk to more people about how to move out on your own or I might be tempted to just take whatever cash I've got and leave. Only thing that keeps me from just up and going is the fact my parents still need my help.